Miss Manners

I have two Ladies magazines that I enjoy reading. I like the recipes, decorating ideas, latest fashion and organizational ideas and short stories. There is also a monthly advice column on etiquette which I always find intriguing and tend to read it first before reading the rest of the magazine cover to cover. Sometimes I chuckle because what is written that month should be just common sense or good old fashioned manners that you would think every parent would teach their child from the time they could talk. The fact that it is asked and discussed in such a public forum means that even in today’s world manners are not taught in every household which I don’t chuckle at but instead find a little sad. On other occasions there are great questions asked and answered by the author that go beyond common everyday manners but are more about etiquette in social settings. I often use those as a learning tool or personal check list if you will to make sure I am using proper etiquette. My goal is not to be a snob but instead to carry myself with class and not be offensive to those around me.

So why may you ask am I bringing this up? Well girls we are heading into one of the busiest times of the year. Thanksgiving is just around the corner and then we will wake up and it will be Christmas. I love these two holidays the most because of what they represent, however they can become a little stressful. Actually lets be real they become very stressful which we will blog about on another day.

To answer the question I bring all of this up because sometimes through the busyness and yes stressfulness of this time of the year our manners and/or social etiquette can at times get put by the wayside. We do not do it intentionally we just get on a mission to get the “list” checked off and things get forgotten. Things like saying thank you either verbally or through a simple note, sending in the RSVP to the event you received an invitation to by the date the host or hostess requested, letting the elderly or physically challenged go first in the long line at the department or grocery store. Giving a smile and “a have a nice day” to the cashier who is overwhelmed by that long holiday line. I could go on and on but I think you get the picture.

So during this most wonderful but also most busy time of the year and for that matter any time of year lets all take a breath, stop and remember our manners. I assure you that it will make the other persons day and in the long run our day as well.

I’ve heard that what the parents do in moderation, their children will do in excess. I don’t think this applies to etiquette. I know my mother’s generation was taught the appropriate social etiquette, and yet, my generation has not followed in their footsteps.

I don’t know if it’s due to lack of commitment issues, but for whatever reason, it is like pulling teeth to get my friends to RSVP to an event. Perhaps it’s that they do not understand what RSVP means. Just as a refresher, RSVP is French for répondez s'il vous plait. In English it means, “reply please”. Simple enough, right? Maybe my friends aren’t cognizant of the importance of replying to an event. For example, I am hosting a party this weekend and have invited somewhere around 40 of my closest and most personal friends. There was an RSVP at the bottom of an electronic invitation. There was no need to pick up a phone and call me. All that was needed was for my friends to click the link and press the little mouse button on yes or no. The invitation was sent out a week ago, and I have heard back from one person. It’s hard to plan food for my party, not knowing how many people will be attending.

It is also commonplace these days to see the cell phones out all the time. If we’re not talking on one, then we’re texting or checking our email. I just got my first “more-than-a-phone” phone. It doesn’t have Apps, but I can get my email, and it has a keyboard. I’m so used to texting with the number keys on my old phone, that this is amazing! I can see how easy it would be to constantly have my pretty pink phone out. But, let’s remember that when we are with others, it’s time for some face-to-face interactions, and the phone calls, texts, and emails can wait (unless it truly is an important call).

I know the times have changed since Miss Manners and Emily Post were the experts in etiquette, but to me it seems like some things should never change. So, during the holiday season, let’s hang up our phones in public places, and remember to be considerate to those around us, whether they are strangers or friends. Reply to your invitations, and don’t forget the thank you notes. My hope is that I am able to model this for my daughters and instill these ideas into them as they grow into young women.

Prioritize Your Life

My priorities have changed. Let me preface all this by saying that from a spiritual and emotional perspective they have not. God, my husband of 26 years and our three sons; this group will ALWAYS have priority in my heart. My time is devoted to my relationship with them.

The priorities that have changed are those in my everyday routine. For the last twenty two years my day to day priorities were quite demanding of my time physically and emotionally. I had to be organized to stay on top of everything. Going none stop until dark taking care of my family, our home, volunteering for our church and finding those few minutes just to have some alone time with God. As the boys got older I added more to the list. PTA Mom. Classroom volunteer. School Book Fair coordinator. Team mom for whatever sport they were playing at the time. The list went on.

One day I woke up and all my children had entered manhood with the ability to take care of themselves and make their own decisions. When that happened I do not know. They and all their activities were such a large part of my day to day priorities. That has now come to an end. I told myself that they no longer need me. I was feeling a little sorry for myself. Then I received an email from a long time friend who lives out of state from me. Her husband who had been ill for quite a while had passed away. I cried. I waited a few days and then called her to pass on my condolences and hopefully be an encouragement to her during this time of grief and loss. I did not share any of what I was feeling at the time regarding my own life because that would have been completely selfish and it was not the purpose of the phone call. She shared with me her husband’s final days and it was an amazing story of God’s grace. They had been married thirty seven years and had a beautiful marriage. His death was not what either one of them wanted, however, because of the strength that only God could give they faced it and were together until his last breath. Through her grief she is able to say that even though selfishly she still wants him here that unselfishly she is happy for him that he is home and no longer suffering. Then she said something that caught me completely off guard. “Take advantage of every opportunity to spend time with your husband and your sons. Make your family time a priority keeping God always in the center. God promises us so many things but he does not promise us tomorrow.” Wow. I know it is not coincidence that Lisa and I had decided to write about priorities long before this conversation took place. Given that fact and everything that was going on in my heart that one simple statement that l know but may not always practice spoke profoundly.

My day to day priorities have changed. Life has dictated that and I am choosing to embrace it. The result is good. It means that my alone time with God goes much longer and deeper. This is what gives me my strength and hope for what tomorrow holds. More alone time is now spent with my husband and I am grateful for the work we put into our marriage while raising our children so that we do not have the awkwardness that some empty nesters face. We have fun together! My day to day priorities no longer include that of being the primary care giver of my children. They now need me in a much different way. I am learning with each day what my role and priorities are as a parent to adult children. In addition to my love, they need my prayers, my example of what it means to have faith. They just need me to listen. I have to trust the parenting that my husband and I gave them when they were children. I have to trust God to hear my prayers for them.

Priorities. They are different for all of us depending on where we are at in life. I leave this with you. I have learned the following. Use your God given talents with excellence in the opportunities that come your way, however in the process of doing so do not let that activity become priority over your relationship with God, your family and the friendships that you have been given.

Have no regrets when tomorrow becomes today.

Looking back ten years ago, I was in a very different place, and my priorities were not even close to what they are now. I was 21. I was living in Minneapolis student teaching. I was a senior in college. I was single. I was still under my parent’s insurance. My biggest worry was whether or not my car would die on the interstate on-ramp. I was only in charge of me, and had as much “me” time as I wanted. Sure, there were deadlines, and I know I was worried about who I would marry (or if I would marry). My priority, selfishly, was me.

Ah, the good old days! Today does not look even remotely close to that. With a husband, two little girls, and a mortgage, there is very little “me” time. But, happily, I have embraced my new life! I’m sure we’re all familiar with the acronym floating around the church regarding our priorities: JOY (Jesus, Others, You). This is exhausting! By the time I get to me, I’m too tired to do anything more.

I’m not going to lie. My priorities have not been my priority. Survival has been at the top of my list! My second baby girl threw my life into a whirlwind, and I am finally feeling a sense of “normalcy” once again. But, for the last year and a half, I have struggled with my priorities, and I can tell. For example, my alone time with God is often time the first thing to get pushed back. Picture this. It was a long night. The baby was up two or three times, and then the big girl got up too. When the alarm goes off before the family wakes up, a decision must be made. Will I get up early to spend time with my Savior, or will I turn off the alarm and wait for the babies to get up? My physical body has dictated my priorities, and too often I find myself rolling over and neglecting my devotional time. Most days I do spend time in my Bible, but it’s not as special as it is when I push through the exhaustion and press into the Word.

With my priorities out of whack, my whole day is out of sync. I don’t get to exercise like I’d like. I don’t do fun crafts with the girls. I don’t get a shower everyday. And then I get mad at myself.

But, ladies, this is not a permanent season. It’s extremely temporary. I know that although life will continue to be busy, I can get a hold of my priorities and redefine my days. If you have found yourself struggling like me, know that you are not alone, and you can prioritize your life and take control once again!

Dress for Success

Ok girls we are going to talk clothes. I love clothes. I don’t know many women who don’t. How many times have you stood in front of your closet and said, “I have nothing to wear for …” If you are like me you quickly look at your bank account and head to the mall for that perfect outfit or pair of shoes. Hey, it’s what we do! Of course we want to feel and look pretty. We like walking in a room and having someone pay us a wonderful compliment on how we look. Absolutely nothing wrong with that. Girls we should take pride in our appearance.

By now you are probably wondering where I am going with all of this. Here it is. We can dress trendy and fashionable without baring it all. There I said it … Baring it all. Quite frankly I am seeing a little too much cleavage and at times bare behinds in very public places these days. Not just in the fashion magazines but in the classroom, workplace, public venues and yes even the church. I am being told by other women that I am not the only one who is slightly concerned about this.

I am not going to tell anyone what to wear and I am quite sure that most of you reading this dress very fashionable without being a distraction in the room. However, maybe all of us should give this just a little thought for today whether it be in regard to looking at ourselves in the mirror, instructing our daughters or maybe having to lovingly without humiliating her approach a dear friend. Here are some questions we can ask before walking out the door …Who am I seeking the compliment from? Is what I am wearing going to cause me to conduct myself in a manner unbecoming to who I really am? Do I respect what I see in the mirror? Am I fashionable without baring it all? Whose eye am I trying to catch? If you are married and/or a mother…Is what I am wearing going to bring disrespect to my husband and/or children?

Just some things to think about.

When I was in elementary, middle, and high school, there were certain dress guidelines that were not only in place, but were also enforced. The girls’ shorts and skirts could not be more than 3 inches above one’s knees (when kneeling). I know in elementary school, our shirts had to have sleeves (no strapless or tank tops) and they also had to cover our tummies. I think this was also part of the middle and high school dress code, but I’m not sure it was enforced. The crazy thing is that I think the dress code is still the same, but not enforced at all!

Don’t misunderstand me. I certainly do not believe it is the school’s job to train our daughters up as far as what is and is not appropriate, but I do wonder what happened! Especially when the teachers may or may not follow the dress code themselves.

Modesty is something that I am becoming more and more passionate about. As a wife of a man and a mother of two little girls, I definitely notice what other ladies are wearing (or not wearing, as is sometimes the case). I know that going back into history, what is deemed “sexy” has shifted from ankles, to big thighs (ah, the good old days), to bottoms, and now bosoms. I saw a bumper sticker yesterday that said, “Boobies make me smile.” And, I have a feeling that’s one happy man, because bosoms are on display!

When I get dressed I definitely want to feel good about what I am wearing. However, I am now much more aware of what others can see. I toe a fine line between wanting to dress sexy for my husband and still dress appropriately for my friends’ husbands. We can not be naïve and think they won’t notice, because they do. Granted, men must take responsibility for their own actions, but we don’t need to put them to the test!

I also want my daughters to know what is and is not appropriate. At one and three, I want them to dress like they are one and three. I want my girls to remain innocent for as long as possible. When I taught I was often times appalled at what some of my sweet little first and fifth graders would come to school in.

So, ladies, wives, and mamas, be aware of what you’re wearing and who is watching what you wear.

Let Your Yes Be Yes and Your No Be No

Let your “yes be yes” and your “no be no”. Sounds so simple does it not? I firmly believe in and for the most part practice this character issue on a daily basis, however I must admit that there are times that I have failed before even realizing it. I find myself saying yes but in my heart really meaning no or vice versa. I convince myself that this really is not that big of a deal because I don’t change my “yes and no” on things of moral and integrity issues, you know the “big” things in life. But what about those “every day little things” that come up every now and then? For example, saying “yes” to a project that my heart is not in, only to complain about it later. What about disciplining the children? I know that when they were younger there were those occasions that out of sheer exhaustion I changed my no to yes just to keep them quiet, knowing in my heart that for their own good I needed to stick to my word which in the long run would have been better for them. See the common denominator here? When I did not allow my yes to be yes and no to be no there was a consequence to follow that was not always positive. Can any of you relate? Your story might be different but it still comes down to the same principle of is our word really our word.

Do we really need to concern ourselves with doing a periodic self-examination on this particular part of our character? When I asked myself this question I went to the Bible which I believe to be truth in its entirety. Interestingly, I found through some quick research on the internet that the Bible addresses this particular subject 179 times. I would say that makes it pretty important! When we say yes or no it should be from our heart, no second guessing, no wavering, no worrying, no swearing on our head and most importantly there is no explanation needed. Yes is yes and no is no. When we practice this our word has value. We can be trusted. The sad part is that if we do the opposite of this we have lied to not only ourselves but to those around us which in the end communicates that our word has no value and we cannot be trusted. How sad. That is not who I want to be. It all comes down to a choice we make. I choose to with God’s help and gentle reminders to always let my yes be yes and my no be no. No wavering. It sure does make it easier to sleep at night! How about you?

“No.” It’s such a simple word. It’s short. I have absolutely no problems telling my children (and my husband) no. And yet, “no” is one of the hardest words for many women to say.

When I was still working as an elementary school teacher in a public school, my “yes” meant “okay, I will, if I have to, but I’m not happy about it” and my “no” was non-existent. I felt a huge amount of pressure to appear productive and irreplaceable. As a young teacher, you are not guaranteed a job until after you have taught for three years. Up until that point you are what is called “Probationary.” This means that you can be “non-renewed” for absolutely no reason. And what that means is that you no longer are an employee of the school district and are now unemployed. I was non-renewed after one year of teaching due to the school losing teacher slots for the next school year. I ended the year not knowing what I was going to do the next year, and needing a new car and rent money. When I finally got a job I was terrified of losing my position again and was determined to do whatever I could to keep my job.

This thought process began to consume me, and I joined lots of different committees right off the bat. I agreed to help pilot new curriculum. I taught before and after-school tutoring programs. I took class after class after class to improve my teaching style. I was a maniac! And I was exhausted.

I rarely had spare time. I was constantly at school. Even on the weekends. There was rarely a Saturday that I wasn’t in the classroom working on something. My family and friends began to wonder why I was neglecting them. And I was getting bitter.

This is one of the reasons why when my daughter was born that I no longer chose to teach. Even after I got married, I could not settle down. At that point I was no longer probationary, but I now had an image to keep up. I was a go-getter. If something needed to get done, my principal knew that I was reliable and that the job would get done. But I resented it, and was not kind in my heart.

I can’t say that quitting my teaching job has “fixed” or “cured” me from my need to appear like I’m some kind of irreplaceable person, but it does not affect me everyday. I’m now learning how to apply what I’ve recently realized in other areas of my life, be it church, friends, family, or something else. But, it’s so hard. I don’t want to let anyone down, and I still want to be something. I definitely don’t love this quality, but I also know that if I say “yes” I need to mean it, and commit to it, and do it with all my heart. And if I say “no”, then I need to mean it, and stick with it, and not feel guilty about your choice. Ladies, it’s absolutely okay to say no sometimes. (But don’t be an excuse maker…)

All About Fall

I originally come from a State that does not have four seasons or at least the part that we lived in. Having lived there for more than half my life I really did not experience the distinct changes in the weather and colors of the landscape that Fall or Autumn (as some call it) can bring for some regions. So, therefore I never developed an appreciation for this particular season. However, there were traditions that I enjoyed about it.

When our three boys were younger October meant going to the Pumpkin Patch. Not only was this one of my favorite school field trips to chaperone on but also a favorite family tradition that my husband and I enjoyed with our little ones. After spending the day picking out the “perfect pumpkins” we would come home, carve the seeds out, roast and eat them fresh out of the oven while watching the creativity of our boys come alive carving funny faces on the outside of the pumpkins which would then be placed on our front porch. Now that they are men it has been a while since we have practiced this particular tradition but our sons have assured me that this tradition will come again sometime in the years ahead when grandchildren start to come along!

Six years ago we moved to a State that has four distinct seasons. Toward the end of our first summer living here everyone started to talk of their excitement of the upcoming Fall Season. I honestly did not “get it”. Now after experiencing six years of a true Fall I get it! Now I appreciate it beyond the pumpkin patch. The leaves on the trees in the mountains changing from green to vibrant shades of orange and red is a spectacular sight to see. The beautiful warm fall days that cool down in the evening means turning off the air conditioner, opening the windows and breathing fresh air. I am enjoying discovering new fall recipes. There are so many different things you can make with fresh crisp apples anywhere from breakfast to dinner to dessert!

Along with a new season on the calendar there is a new season happening in my soul. I have no idea where this season is taking me or when it will change to a new one. I do know that as long as I keep my focus on God that I will not only learn and grow from it but be a better woman for it as well.

We would love for you to share your favorite Fall Memories and Traditions or thoughts of this particular season in the reflections section.

Unlike Donna, Fall is my very favorite season! I love the transition from Summer to Winter, and look forward to it every single year. There is really nothing that I do not love about Fall. Of course, I enjoy watching the leaves change from green to various shades of orange, yellow, red, and purple. But, there is so much more!

To me, Fall means cooler temperatures, pumpkin pie, the smell of burning leaves and grass, pumpkin spice lattes, football, pumpkin bagels, warm coffee on cool mornings with good friends, and of course, pumpkin anything!

I can’t say that I have one special Fall memory that sticks out, and there are no traditions that we have established with our children yet that signify that Fall is here, but it is the one season that I am always excited to usher in and sad to see end. I enjoy bringing out my sweaters and boots and snuggling up by the fire with a good book and a mug of caramel apple cider (okay, that was in the “olden days” before the girls were born), all wrapped up in my quilt.

I have been blessed to live in several states across the Midwest, and with only the exception of Texas, have always been able to delight in an amazing Fall season. I guess it’s just part of me.

As was insinuated before, I happen to love anything pumpkin, so below I have included a new recipe that I discovered in the October 2010 issue of Family Fun magazine for Pumpkin Bread Pudding. Not only is it super tasty and a crowd pleaser, but I found it to be quite easy as well. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did!

Pumpkin Bread Pudding

1 (1-pound) day-old loaf of Italian bread

½ cup golden raisins

3 large eggs

¾ cup canned solid-packed pumpkin or fresh cooked pumpkin puree

½ cup whole milk (I used skim)

¾ cup packed light brown sugar

1 cup whipping cream

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

1 teaspoon pumpkin pie spice

2 tablespoons sugar

Generously coat an 8-inch square baking dish with butter. Remove the crust from the loaf of bread and slice the loaf into 1-inch cubes. Place the cubes in the dish and sprinkle the raisins on top.

Whisk the eggs in a large bowl. Add the pumpkin, milk, brown sugar, whipping cream, vanilla extract, and pumpkin pie spice. Whisk again until the mixture is well blended.

Heat the oven to 350 degrees. Pour the egg mixture over the bread and raisins. Let the ingredients stand for 15 to 20 minutes to allow the bread to absorb the custard. Use a spoon to occasionally push down the bread cubes as they soak.

Sprinkle 2 tablespoons of sugar over the pudding, then place the baking dish in a larger baking or roasting pan. Put the combined pans on the middle rack of the over, then pour hot water into the larger pan until it reaches halfway up the sides of the smaller dish (this is a water bath used to promote even baking and helps with the custard a silky texture).

Bake the pudding until it’s puffed and golden brown on top and a toothpick inserted into the center comes out clean, 45 – 50 minutes. Remove the pudding from its water bath and set it on a wire rack. Let the dessert cool for 15 minutes before serving, with a dollop of whipped cream if you like!

Encouragement - Just Do It!

We made it! Together we have identified our personal lies and are now ready for some encouragement. This is not a comprehensive list, but a few thoughts that will get you started.

1. Know Your Friends
You should be aware of your friends and how they are feeling. If a girlfriend of yours is constantly complaining about her weight, her husband or lack thereof, or something else that she obsesses over, you may want to encourage her in these areas as opposed to just blowing it off. It may or may not be a lie that she’s believing, but what if it is.


2. Encourage Don’t Compete
We’ve all come in contact with the “one-upper” and may, on occasion, have actually been this lady. In conversation remember that it is our job to listen and offer encouragement instead of comparing and competing.

The Bible offers words of wisdom on this very topic:

Gently encourage the stragglers, and reach out for the exhausted, pulling them to their feet. Be patient with each person, attentive to individual needs. And be careful that when you get on each other's nerves you don't snap at each other. Look for the best in each other, and always do your best to bring it out. ~ 1 Thessalonians 5:13, The Message Version


3. Keep it Confidential
Trust is the foundation of a healthy relationship. The only way to build trust is when confidentiality is practiced and earned. I’m sure we can all think back to a time where we either betrayed a friend’s confidentiality or someone betrayed our trust. It’s a horrible feeling, and one that is one hundred percent preventable. Keep in mind that a public prayer request, unless approved, falls under the category of betrayal, no matter how good your intentions are.


4. A Kind Word Goes a Long Way
Get in the habit of complimenting and encouraging others, regardless of their actions or mood. Sometimes we don’t know what someone is really going through, but your word of encouragement may be just what they needed to hear.

Remember that there is a difference between encouraging a friend and a sarcastic, unintentional, remark. Too often, these kinds of words are not encouraging, and can be hurtful, even though there was no malicious intent. Be careful about what you say.


5. Graciously Accept a Compliment
“Thank you.” No explanation is necessary. Accept that someone liked your hair, outfit, home décor, or what you have spoken about and say thank you. That’s all they want to hear.


6. Don’t Be Afraid to Get Help
Too often we allow society or the church to dictate our choices. If you have had any hurt from your past that continues to prevent you from living a healthy life today, please know that there are professionals that are available to help you. Counselors do not replace what God can do, but they can work in conjunction with Him. Never allow another person’s insecurities to affect your need to get outside help.


Thank you for journeying with us these past few weeks. Our hope is that you are now stronger and ready to move past your lies. Next week we’ll shift gears and lighten the load a little as we look back on our favorite fall traditions and memories.